To Kill a Warlock by H.P. Mallory | Rant Review

To Kill a Warlock by H.P. Mallory

Dulcie O'Neil #1

First Published: 2010

Kindle

Adult, Urban Fantasy
Rating:

Re-Readability:

The murder of a dark arts warlock. A shape-shifting, ravenous creature on the loose. A devilishly handsome stranger sent to investigate. Sometimes working law enforcement for the Netherworld is a real bitch.
Dulcie O’Neil is a fairy. And not the type to frolic in gardens. She’s a Regulator—a law-enforcement agent who monitors the creatures of the Netherworld to keep them from wreaking havoc in the mortal world. When a warlock is murdered and Dulcie was the last person to see him alive, she must uncover the truth before she’s either deported back to the Netherworld, or she becomes the next victim.
Enter Knight Vander, a sinfully attractive investigator sent from the Netherworld to work the case with Dulcie. Between battling her attraction to her self-appointed partner, keeping a sadomasochistic demon in check, and fending off the advances of a sexy and powerful vampire, Dulcie’s got her hands full. As the body count increases, Dulcie finds herself battling dark magic, reconnoitering in S&M clubs and suffering the greatest of all betrayals.

You know those books that make you scratch your head at all the reviews and high ratings they have and wonder if you've read the same book? Perhaps someone trolled you and gave you a fake copy? Because there is no way all these people love this book if they read the same version you did? Yeah... this is one of those books.

When I got this book I was extremely excited - I had seen how highly rated Mallory's books came, and I was on an urban fantasy kind of kick so she was definitely on my authors-to-read list. And I was doubly excited to have the opportunity to read one of her books for free on kindle. I distinctively remember the squeal I let out, even now, five years later.

Unfortunately, all those fuzzy feelings died a quick death. May they rest in peace.

I simply couldn't stand the writing. I wish I could tell you what it was about it that gave me such a visceral reaction; the kind of response that makes you wince and grit your teeth and hope the torture would be over soon. Rare is the book that makes me feel this way, so in its own way, this read was very special to me.

Not to mention, this book had a lot of repetitions. That's a particular pet peeve of mine. And you know how sometimes when you're in a group and someone laughs at his own joke and everyone just stares at him because it wasn't all that funny and he says "get it? get it?". Well... that's how I felt about all the parts in this book that were obviously meant to make me laugh. They didn't.

Maybe if the characters were compelling the story would've been saved for me, but they simply weren't. I didn't like Dulcie's character at all. She is frankly quite the slut. I'm definitely okay with characters sleeping around when they're not in a relationship and women being secure in their sexuality, but I draw the line at leading several men on. At the same time. It just grates on my nerves. You can do all those things without hurting others in the process.

I mean, the book literally ends with several loose ends--and at least three guys--open and unanswered, with Dulcie having two upcoming dates (with two different guys) and receiving a cute present from a third. (On a completely unrelated note - Knight is an incredibly stupid name for a character, and should be reserved to comic books if at all...)

And the bad guy was so obvious I simply had to sigh when he was revealed. I kind of had some hope Mallory will pull the rug from under my feet or something and at least give me a good twist or two. But nope.

During the entire time I was reading this book, the question "why the heck am I reading this book?" kept popping into my mind, flashing in colorful, glaring lights, demanding some sort of answer from me. Since I had none, I didn't give it any. If it was Present Me who was reading this novel, I would have DNFed it at around 20% if I were nice, but Past Me was a little more particular about dropping books, so she used all the willpower she had to finish it as quickly as she could so she could move on to greener pastures...

Dancing With the Devil by Keri Arthur | Rant Review [Spoilers]

Dancing With the Devil by Keri Arthur

Nikki & Michael

First Published: 2008

Paperback

Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

Re-Readability:

Private Investigator Nikki James grew up on the tough streets of Lyndhurst and believes there's nothing left to surprise her. All that changes the night she follows teenager Monica Trevgard into the shadows-and becomes a pawn caught in a war between two very different men. One fills her mind with his madness, the other pushes his way into her life-and her heart. Nikki knows how dangerous love can be, but if she wants to survive, she must place her trust in a man who could easily destroy her.
Michael Kelly has come to Lyndhurst determined to end the war between himself and another brother of the night. For 300 years he has existed in life's shadows, gradually learning to control the life from death cravings of a vampire. Nikki not only breaches his formidable barriers with her psychic abilities, but makes Michael believe he may finally have found a woman strong enough to walk by his side and ease the loneliness in his heart. But will his love be enough to protect her from a madman hell-bent on revenge? Or will it drive her into his enemy's deadly trap?
Only together can they overcome the evil threatening to destroy them both. But the secrets they keep from each other might prove to be the greatest threat of all.

Good God this book was boring.

Seriously, I did not expect this. The "heroes" kept getting into traps, nearly dying, failing and in pain. Rinse and repeat. It got old real quick. Even scenes one would normally classify as action scenes were dull and dry without an ounce of soul.

And let's just take a second to lament how dumb someone has to be to fall into traps over and over and over again. At a certain point, couldn't you try to put a trap of your own? Or do something, anything, to counter attack?? Seriously, it's been 5 years since I read this book and I am still angry about it...

Now, on top of all this, a lot of parts made absolutely no freaking sense. Michael, who is the male protagonist, literally found the whereabouts of villainous-dude Jasper about half a dozen times throughout the book. But then, those scenes ended in fade-to-blacks paired with some inane notion like "it's time for the hunter to become the hunted"... which never played out. The next time we see our "heroes", nothing has changed and Jasper is still at large. Why is this even in the story?

Then, there was the Case of the Vanishing Injuries. These guys... they get hurt. Often. Like, hit by a car kind of hurt. And then... it's mentioned maybe once, and is forgotten until the next time they get injured. That's not how these things work, book!

But at the end of the day, it was the characters that made this book suck ass. More specifically... it was Nikki. I disliked how scared she was, all the time. It's human to be afraid, but having that be your one single emotion is just frustrating. But I could deal with that. I could even kind-of-maybe-sort-of deal with her utter uselessness, even though it's one of my pet peeves in books, especially when the girl is so heavily gifted. Like, you've got everything working for you to be a key character in the story, and instead, you are just a damsel in distress.

But I only started actually hating her later in the story. On the one hand, she did not want Michael to go and on the other she was so darn annoying, refusing to trust him because of something someone else did, being anti-vampires in general, accusing Michael of dumb things and just looking for something wrong about him. And then, when he does leave, she regrets it. Girl, you deserve to have your ass deserted and left to fend for yourself. Yes, you will die within a minute because you are that useless but at this point, I don't even give a fuck.

Now, clearly, considering the former paragraph... I wasn't a huge fan of the romance. It wasn't very believable, at any case. I have no idea why this two fell for each other. I mean, why would anyone fall for Nikki??? And naturally, the "I love you"s came out of nowhere. Because that's the kind of novel this is...

One of the most disappointing things about this novel was actually the writing. I had been excited to read a Keri Arthur novel when I picked this up. I heard a lot about them, after all. Sadly, I was very underwhelmed by it. There was just nothing about it, and as I said before - boring as hell.

Okay, wait, time for a positive thing about this novel!... It ended and I was able to move on to better reads. LOL. 

The (Many) Problems of Need by Carrie Jones | Book Breakdown

Be warned: the following was originally included in my review for Need and is an extensive breakdown of all the parts in it that I found stupid, illogical, and exasperating. The entire thing is a huge, uncensored and honest spoiler. Read it only if you've read the book, or if you're really interested in reading all that got me so fired up about this mess of a book.

SPOILER // SPOILER // SPOILER // SPOILER // SPOILER

Need by Carrie Jones
Need #1
First Published: 2008
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

Zara collects phobias the way other girls collect Facebook friends. Little wonder, since life's been pretty rough so far. Her father left, her stepfather just died, and her mother's pretty much checked out. Now Zara's living with her grandmother in sleepy, cold Maine so that she stays safe. Zara doesn't think she's in danger; she thinks her mother can't deal. Wrong. Turns out that guy she sees everywhere, the one leaving trails of gold glitter, isn't a figment of her imagination. He's a pixie--and not the cute, lovable kind with wings. He's the kind who has dreadful, uncontrollable needs. And he's trailing Zara. With suspense, romance, and paranormal themes, this exciting breakout novel has readers rapidly turning the pages.

CLICK HERE FOR THE SPOILER FREE PART ONE  

Okay, let's get started. Those are just some of the specific problems I had with the book, and definitely the ones that jumped most at me.

Rant Review: Switched by Amanda Hocking ("Romance" Breakdown)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Switched  by Amanda Hocking
Trylle #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

When Wendy Everly was six years old, her mother was convinced she was a monster and tried to kill her. Eleven years later, Wendy discovers her mother might have been right. She’s not the person she’s always believed herself to be, and her whole life begins to unravel—all because of Finn Holmes.
Finn is a mysterious guy who always seems to be watching her. Every encounter leaves her deeply shaken…though it has more to do with her fierce attraction to him than she’d ever admit. But it isn’t long before he reveals the truth: Wendy is a changeling who was switched at birth—and he’s come to take her home.
Now Wendy’s about to journey to a magical world she never knew existed, one that’s both beautiful and frightening. And where she must leave her old life behind to discover who she’s meant to become…

Thank you for coming by this little post. In it, I'm going to tell you everything that got me mad as hell about the so called "romance" in the aforementioned book. If you accidentally pressed this and want a non-spoiler-y/rage-y review, go to part one where it's mostly calm and collected and absolutely spoiler free :)

This is your last chance. I'm warning you. This is the point of no return!

Switched by Amanda Hocking (Part 1 - Spoiler Free) | Book Review

Switched  by Amanda Hocking

Trylle #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

When Wendy Everly was six years old, her mother was convinced she was a monster and tried to kill her. Eleven years later, Wendy discovers her mother might have been right. She’s not the person she’s always believed herself to be, and her whole life begins to unravel—all because of Finn Holmes.
Finn is a mysterious guy who always seems to be watching her. Every encounter leaves her deeply shaken…though it has more to do with her fierce attraction to him than she’d ever admit. But it isn’t long before he reveals the truth: Wendy is a changeling who was switched at birth—and he’s come to take her home.
Now Wendy’s about to journey to a magical world she never knew existed, one that’s both beautiful and frightening. And where she must leave her old life behind to discover who she’s meant to become…

Switched is a book I'd rather forget I've ever read, and there aren't many books I'd say that about. It was so bad that to this day I can rant about it as if I've just read it yesterday, and I've been too afraid to pick up another Hocking book since. 

I got this book because of the cover. I was struck with how beautiful it was, saw the summery was up my alley and my friends liked it, so it became an instant buy. But yeah, mostly cause it's supper beautiful. #Shallow

Tay-Tay knows her stuff...

Despite this fact, I had really high hopes, for all the above reasons. The last thing I thought would happen would be the intense hatred I felt toward this book. But why did I hate it? The short version: Insta love, annoying heroine, a love interest with a multiple personality disorder, and an obsessive "romance". Gah. 

And now, into the long version (what, did you think I was going to leave it at that? pffft).

First of all, Hocking's trolls are hella disappointing. Trolls are not the everyday literature heroes, and I was excited for that. But guess what? they are the farthest thing away from the big, ugly, menacing boulders of rock we're accustomed to. In fact, they just look like supermodel humans! So, not that different from everyday literary creatures...

Speaking of Trolls - Wendy is one. She's our main character, and under different circumstances (i.e were she an interesting, compelling MC), I could've ignored the aforementioned point. But no. While she started out alright, she completely lost me when she started obsessing over Finn. And I mean, really obsessing. Her only redeeming quality was how she managed to make me laugh occasionally.

Speaking of the devil... it's not often that I outright dislike a main male character. But I really did with this one, even when he was "playing nice". And frankly, he mostly wasn't. Mostly, he was a class A jerk, or he was distant. At the end, I never got what Wendy saw in the dude.

But I'll be honest, I liked almost all the supporting characters. If this trilogy was about them, I'll probably be gulping it up. Like, Tove or Rhys's stories will be fan. Or even Matt's!

Now we're moving to the REAL THING. I'm putting here the general gist of things, but if you want to see a play by play, detailed rant of the whole "romance" thing, come back to PART TWO tomorrow. 

Now, okay. Oh. My. Fucking. Tripping. God. WHY?

The romance in this book made me want to kill myself. Scratch that, kill Wendy. I just wanted it to end already! It was so insta love I can't even! 

This was one of the worst--if not the wrost--cases of insta love I've ever read of, and I couldn't find one good reason for them to fall in love! It takes her exactly four days to decided she's fallen in love with Finn, in which they barely interact. (Go to part 2 for more on this).

The "love" in this story, if you can really call it that, completely overshadowed and overpowered the plot, to the point where I felt there wasn't much of the latter. Thankfully, it eased up a bit after 100 pages, otherwise this would have been a DNF for sure.

Side note: I did enjoy their first kiss. Maybe it was because some plot has finally been dished out and diluted the romance a bit, but I'm not complaining. About this, anyways lol

Another thing I'm not complaining about is the ending, because I kind of liked it. I truly believe that if this story took a different turn (i.e: erasing the god-awful romance and focusing on the actual story), I would've liked it. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

P.S - someone, please tell me, do people really say "foxy" nowadays? Is this still a thing??

CLICK HERE FOR MORE SPOILERY THOUGHTS ON THE ROMANCE! 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #5: Is This Supposed to Be Romance?)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

For explanation on this multi-parted rant, go to Part #1.

Know all the "still a better love story than Twilight" jokes? They won't work here. 

Guy is a jerk to girl all the time. Girl hates guy. But girl is also.... attracted to guy? An attraction that makes no sense, comes out of nowhere and has no basis in the story? But, yeah. She can't hate him for more than a minute (even though her hate is justified) without thinking about the dangerous, undeniable (I DENY) connection between them. Which I never once sensed/saw/understood/anything. 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #4: Vee)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

For explanation on this multi-parted rant, go to Part #1.

I have one thing to say to you, Vee dear - 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #3: Patch)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

For explanation on this multi-parted rant, go to Part #1.

I despair for humanity when I think about the fact people like this guy. People fantasize about this class-A douche-bag. People swoon and sigh at his name. People need their heads checked, pronto. Because can any of you seriously tell me that in RL you'll want someone like this?! 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #2: Nora)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

So, as I explained earlier, every annoying, asinine character/part of the aforementioned novel is going to get his own special post, because otherwise it would be one gigantic review and you don't need that in your life. Like this, you will at least  have the choice if you want to read it or not.

So, to start this week long Hush, Hush rant extravaganza, let's take a look on the main character of this novel - Nora.

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #1: Overview)

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

Anybody who loved Hush, Hush, you better leave this review five part rant right now because...

And you know what? I am done apologizing for hating this book. Done apologizing for thinking that the world is effing crazy for loving this... thing. I respect your opinion, and if you like it -- good for you, but I still can't understand it.

I don't even know where to begin, there is so much wrong here. So many ire inducing parts and moments. It's setting my teeth on edge just thinking of this book. But I guess I'll zero in on the characters and the romance. Or whatever the heck that was.

Only, I'm going to do a quick overview here and then proceed to rant in details over each and every agonizing bit in separate posts, because when I finished writing it all it was four times the length of my normal reviews and I didn't have the heart to subject you to that without at least giving you the option to choose whether you really want more of this rant in your life.

In short (because the long version is super long) - Nora is an idiot, Patch is a class A jerk, Vee is the worst best friend in the history of literature and I wish she'd die, and the romance doesn't make sense at all. Unless you have a thing for stalkers who force you against walls.  

Seriously, there is not one selling point for this whole mess. And if bad af characters and romance aren't bad enough, there was so much inconsistency. It seemed like Fitzpatrick threw in information and people without a thought, reducing or ignoring them when she felt like it.

Like the school assignment that brought Nora and Patch together, and then conveniently disappeared from the plot. Conversations that Nora was supposed to have with her mother, but didn't. Discussions Vee and her should've had, but didn't. Or the tutoring bit.

That's not okay. Don't just put in things if you're not going to go back to them. If you're going to pretend they didn't exist. So much useless information just clogs up an already murky plot, and for nitpickers like me it just serves to drive us crazy, because we effing remember you put it there.

And the ending... just no. And I'm not even going to elaborate on that part because it just pains me to relive this and I would rather scrub it from my mind. But if you want to read what the ending should've been, check out Kat Kennedy's awesome How It Should Have Ended.

So, this is everything in a nutshell. I'll be posting the links here and on the other posts for each and every part of this elaborate rant, so if you are looking for a hefty dose of sarcasm and frustration (albeit funny ones), you can just drop by by the end of the week or simply follow the blog for quick updates every time a post goes live! ;)

Buy Now 

LOL, joke!

Go To:

Part One: Overview | Part Two: Nora | Part Three: Patch | Part Four: Vee | Part Five: Is This Supposed to be Romance?