To Kill a Warlock by H.P. Mallory | Rant Review

To Kill a Warlock by H.P. Mallory

Dulcie O'Neil #1

First Published: 2010

Kindle

Adult, Urban Fantasy
Rating:

Re-Readability:

The murder of a dark arts warlock. A shape-shifting, ravenous creature on the loose. A devilishly handsome stranger sent to investigate. Sometimes working law enforcement for the Netherworld is a real bitch.
Dulcie O’Neil is a fairy. And not the type to frolic in gardens. She’s a Regulator—a law-enforcement agent who monitors the creatures of the Netherworld to keep them from wreaking havoc in the mortal world. When a warlock is murdered and Dulcie was the last person to see him alive, she must uncover the truth before she’s either deported back to the Netherworld, or she becomes the next victim.
Enter Knight Vander, a sinfully attractive investigator sent from the Netherworld to work the case with Dulcie. Between battling her attraction to her self-appointed partner, keeping a sadomasochistic demon in check, and fending off the advances of a sexy and powerful vampire, Dulcie’s got her hands full. As the body count increases, Dulcie finds herself battling dark magic, reconnoitering in S&M clubs and suffering the greatest of all betrayals.

You know those books that make you scratch your head at all the reviews and high ratings they have and wonder if you've read the same book? Perhaps someone trolled you and gave you a fake copy? Because there is no way all these people love this book if they read the same version you did? Yeah... this is one of those books.

When I got this book I was extremely excited - I had seen how highly rated Mallory's books came, and I was on an urban fantasy kind of kick so she was definitely on my authors-to-read list. And I was doubly excited to have the opportunity to read one of her books for free on kindle. I distinctively remember the squeal I let out, even now, five years later.

Unfortunately, all those fuzzy feelings died a quick death. May they rest in peace.

I simply couldn't stand the writing. I wish I could tell you what it was about it that gave me such a visceral reaction; the kind of response that makes you wince and grit your teeth and hope the torture would be over soon. Rare is the book that makes me feel this way, so in its own way, this read was very special to me.

Not to mention, this book had a lot of repetitions. That's a particular pet peeve of mine. And you know how sometimes when you're in a group and someone laughs at his own joke and everyone just stares at him because it wasn't all that funny and he says "get it? get it?". Well... that's how I felt about all the parts in this book that were obviously meant to make me laugh. They didn't.

Maybe if the characters were compelling the story would've been saved for me, but they simply weren't. I didn't like Dulcie's character at all. She is frankly quite the slut. I'm definitely okay with characters sleeping around when they're not in a relationship and women being secure in their sexuality, but I draw the line at leading several men on. At the same time. It just grates on my nerves. You can do all those things without hurting others in the process.

I mean, the book literally ends with several loose ends--and at least three guys--open and unanswered, with Dulcie having two upcoming dates (with two different guys) and receiving a cute present from a third. (On a completely unrelated note - Knight is an incredibly stupid name for a character, and should be reserved to comic books if at all...)

And the bad guy was so obvious I simply had to sigh when he was revealed. I kind of had some hope Mallory will pull the rug from under my feet or something and at least give me a good twist or two. But nope.

During the entire time I was reading this book, the question "why the heck am I reading this book?" kept popping into my mind, flashing in colorful, glaring lights, demanding some sort of answer from me. Since I had none, I didn't give it any. If it was Present Me who was reading this novel, I would have DNFed it at around 20% if I were nice, but Past Me was a little more particular about dropping books, so she used all the willpower she had to finish it as quickly as she could so she could move on to greener pastures...

Dancing With the Devil by Keri Arthur | Rant Review [Spoilers]

Dancing With the Devil by Keri Arthur

Nikki & Michael

First Published: 2008

Paperback

Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

Re-Readability:

Private Investigator Nikki James grew up on the tough streets of Lyndhurst and believes there's nothing left to surprise her. All that changes the night she follows teenager Monica Trevgard into the shadows-and becomes a pawn caught in a war between two very different men. One fills her mind with his madness, the other pushes his way into her life-and her heart. Nikki knows how dangerous love can be, but if she wants to survive, she must place her trust in a man who could easily destroy her.
Michael Kelly has come to Lyndhurst determined to end the war between himself and another brother of the night. For 300 years he has existed in life's shadows, gradually learning to control the life from death cravings of a vampire. Nikki not only breaches his formidable barriers with her psychic abilities, but makes Michael believe he may finally have found a woman strong enough to walk by his side and ease the loneliness in his heart. But will his love be enough to protect her from a madman hell-bent on revenge? Or will it drive her into his enemy's deadly trap?
Only together can they overcome the evil threatening to destroy them both. But the secrets they keep from each other might prove to be the greatest threat of all.

Good God this book was boring.

Seriously, I did not expect this. The "heroes" kept getting into traps, nearly dying, failing and in pain. Rinse and repeat. It got old real quick. Even scenes one would normally classify as action scenes were dull and dry without an ounce of soul.

And let's just take a second to lament how dumb someone has to be to fall into traps over and over and over again. At a certain point, couldn't you try to put a trap of your own? Or do something, anything, to counter attack?? Seriously, it's been 5 years since I read this book and I am still angry about it...

Now, on top of all this, a lot of parts made absolutely no freaking sense. Michael, who is the male protagonist, literally found the whereabouts of villainous-dude Jasper about half a dozen times throughout the book. But then, those scenes ended in fade-to-blacks paired with some inane notion like "it's time for the hunter to become the hunted"... which never played out. The next time we see our "heroes", nothing has changed and Jasper is still at large. Why is this even in the story?

Then, there was the Case of the Vanishing Injuries. These guys... they get hurt. Often. Like, hit by a car kind of hurt. And then... it's mentioned maybe once, and is forgotten until the next time they get injured. That's not how these things work, book!

But at the end of the day, it was the characters that made this book suck ass. More specifically... it was Nikki. I disliked how scared she was, all the time. It's human to be afraid, but having that be your one single emotion is just frustrating. But I could deal with that. I could even kind-of-maybe-sort-of deal with her utter uselessness, even though it's one of my pet peeves in books, especially when the girl is so heavily gifted. Like, you've got everything working for you to be a key character in the story, and instead, you are just a damsel in distress.

But I only started actually hating her later in the story. On the one hand, she did not want Michael to go and on the other she was so darn annoying, refusing to trust him because of something someone else did, being anti-vampires in general, accusing Michael of dumb things and just looking for something wrong about him. And then, when he does leave, she regrets it. Girl, you deserve to have your ass deserted and left to fend for yourself. Yes, you will die within a minute because you are that useless but at this point, I don't even give a fuck.

Now, clearly, considering the former paragraph... I wasn't a huge fan of the romance. It wasn't very believable, at any case. I have no idea why this two fell for each other. I mean, why would anyone fall for Nikki??? And naturally, the "I love you"s came out of nowhere. Because that's the kind of novel this is...

One of the most disappointing things about this novel was actually the writing. I had been excited to read a Keri Arthur novel when I picked this up. I heard a lot about them, after all. Sadly, I was very underwhelmed by it. There was just nothing about it, and as I said before - boring as hell.

Okay, wait, time for a positive thing about this novel!... It ended and I was able to move on to better reads. LOL. 

Existence by Abbi Glines / The First Book I Ever HATED

Existence by Abbi Glines

Existence #1

First Published: 2004

Kindle

Young Adult, Paranormal Romance
Rating: 

Re-Readability:

What happens when you're stalked by Death? You fall in love with him, of course.
Pagan Moore doesn't cheat Death, but instead, falls in love with him.
Seventeen year old Pagan Moore has seen souls her entire life. Once she realized the strangers she often saw walking through walls were not visible to anyone else, she started ignoring them. If she didn't let them know she could see them, then they left her alone. Until she stepped out of her car the first day of school and saw an incredibly sexy guy lounging on a picnic table, watching her with an amused smirk on his face. Problem is, she knows he's dead.
Not only does he not go away when she ignores him, but he does something none of the others have ever done. He speaks. Pagan is fascinated by the soul. What she doesn't realize is that her appointed time to die is drawing near and the wickedly beautiful soul she is falling in love with is not a soul at all.
He is Death and he's about to break all the rules.

Once upon a time, all the way back in 2012, I heard about Existence by Abbi Glines. Wherever I looked, people loved it. So, naturally I thought I would love it too. Oh boy, how wrong I was. This was the book that introduced me to the concept of hating a book. HATING. I guess we all have that one. This was mine.

The crux of the problem was Pagan, the main character. She is such an awful main character, her ridiculous name the least of her problems.

First of all, she's a user. She is in love with a guy name Dank (no joke), and yet she dates this other guy named Leif (again, I swear to god these are their names). So, in my book, that makes her shady af. But if that's not bad enough, she is also a stinking  c h e a t e r  okay?? She kissed another guy while having a boyfriend.

Second, she has a fierce case of the Bella Syndrome, which is when a girl is sooooo in love with a guy that when he leaves she breaks into tiny little pieces and can't live anymore. That's pathetic. Girls are stronger than that, dammit!

So I was already hating on her when the book decided to declare her "soul" beautiful. Oh, and on top of that, she's brave and strong. Ehhh, hello? Who is this Pagan you're talking about and can we have this book be about her instead? I feel like that'd be a much better read than this pathetic mess!

Now, I'm sure you won't be surprised when I say I hated the romance. I kind of hinted toward that already, but let's go into details. For one thing, it's freaking insta love. Like, couldn't you have at least given me a satisfying relationship to hold on??? There is no why, when or how to it. She sees him and BAM she's in love.

But it wasn't even a healthy love. He became the entire reason for her existence. That's not good, y'all!!

But then, to top that off you have Dank. This guy, okay? It's supposed to be impossible for him to fall in love with a human, because reasons. Ergo, the person that makes him fall in love should be super smart, and good, and all around amazing. Well, Pagan's special alright... (e)special(ly) annoying. I guess some guys find that attractive?

The accumulation of all these annoying things is the showdown. Or whatever the hell that was.

SPOILER So, there is the whole self sacrifice deal so Dank could live. But twist! It doesn't work like that so instead she must be brave and live so that his sacrifice wouldn't be for nothing. Ahhh, but gotcha! Choosing to live without the meaning of your existence is actually the biggest sacrifice of all, and oh, how brave and strong you are Pagan to endure it. Your reward.... huzzah, he's alive! END SPOILER

When do I get to shoot myself?? Seriously, what is this crap and why do people love this?

The single endurable thing about this whole mess is the last line. The last line. It made me consider for a millisecond reading the next book before I caught myself and burst out laughing.

As for the writing... It was okay. Yeah, that's the best I've got. I often felt like Glines dragged things way too long, and occasionally the speech was completely fake and unnatural. So, yeah, I wasn't super impressed ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Now, I would like to backtrack a little bit. I do think that my disappointment could've been less severe if the summary didn't reveal what Dank was, and instead we had to discover it with Pagan. It could've at least given some mystery to the whole thing.

Tiger's Quest by Colleen Houck | DNF Review

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Tiger's Quest by Colleen Houck
The Tiger's Saga #2
First Published: 2011
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

Back in Oregon, Kelsey tries to pick up the pieces of her life and push aside her feelings for Ren. But danger lurks around the corner, forcing her to return to India where she embarks on a second quest--this time with Ren's dark, bad-boy brother Kishan, who has also fallen prey to the Tiger's Curse. Fraught with danger, spellbinding dreams, and choices of the heart, TIGER'S QUEST brings the trio one step closer to breaking the spell that binds them.

DNF at 56% / p.273

When I wrote this review originally, I fooled myself into thinking I might one day finish this monstrosity, and I said as much in the review. I have since came into terms with the fact I wouldn't, and I am quite relieved. I just couldn't deal with this book, for the following reasons. Be warned, it's long. 

Reason #1: Kelsey 

Rant Review: Switched by Amanda Hocking ("Romance" Breakdown)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Switched  by Amanda Hocking
Trylle #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

When Wendy Everly was six years old, her mother was convinced she was a monster and tried to kill her. Eleven years later, Wendy discovers her mother might have been right. She’s not the person she’s always believed herself to be, and her whole life begins to unravel—all because of Finn Holmes.
Finn is a mysterious guy who always seems to be watching her. Every encounter leaves her deeply shaken…though it has more to do with her fierce attraction to him than she’d ever admit. But it isn’t long before he reveals the truth: Wendy is a changeling who was switched at birth—and he’s come to take her home.
Now Wendy’s about to journey to a magical world she never knew existed, one that’s both beautiful and frightening. And where she must leave her old life behind to discover who she’s meant to become…

Thank you for coming by this little post. In it, I'm going to tell you everything that got me mad as hell about the so called "romance" in the aforementioned book. If you accidentally pressed this and want a non-spoiler-y/rage-y review, go to part one where it's mostly calm and collected and absolutely spoiler free :)

This is your last chance. I'm warning you. This is the point of no return!

Switched by Amanda Hocking (Part 1 - Spoiler Free) | Book Review

Switched  by Amanda Hocking

Trylle #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

When Wendy Everly was six years old, her mother was convinced she was a monster and tried to kill her. Eleven years later, Wendy discovers her mother might have been right. She’s not the person she’s always believed herself to be, and her whole life begins to unravel—all because of Finn Holmes.
Finn is a mysterious guy who always seems to be watching her. Every encounter leaves her deeply shaken…though it has more to do with her fierce attraction to him than she’d ever admit. But it isn’t long before he reveals the truth: Wendy is a changeling who was switched at birth—and he’s come to take her home.
Now Wendy’s about to journey to a magical world she never knew existed, one that’s both beautiful and frightening. And where she must leave her old life behind to discover who she’s meant to become…

Switched is a book I'd rather forget I've ever read, and there aren't many books I'd say that about. It was so bad that to this day I can rant about it as if I've just read it yesterday, and I've been too afraid to pick up another Hocking book since. 

I got this book because of the cover. I was struck with how beautiful it was, saw the summery was up my alley and my friends liked it, so it became an instant buy. But yeah, mostly cause it's supper beautiful. #Shallow

Tay-Tay knows her stuff...

Despite this fact, I had really high hopes, for all the above reasons. The last thing I thought would happen would be the intense hatred I felt toward this book. But why did I hate it? The short version: Insta love, annoying heroine, a love interest with a multiple personality disorder, and an obsessive "romance". Gah. 

And now, into the long version (what, did you think I was going to leave it at that? pffft).

First of all, Hocking's trolls are hella disappointing. Trolls are not the everyday literature heroes, and I was excited for that. But guess what? they are the farthest thing away from the big, ugly, menacing boulders of rock we're accustomed to. In fact, they just look like supermodel humans! So, not that different from everyday literary creatures...

Speaking of Trolls - Wendy is one. She's our main character, and under different circumstances (i.e were she an interesting, compelling MC), I could've ignored the aforementioned point. But no. While she started out alright, she completely lost me when she started obsessing over Finn. And I mean, really obsessing. Her only redeeming quality was how she managed to make me laugh occasionally.

Speaking of the devil... it's not often that I outright dislike a main male character. But I really did with this one, even when he was "playing nice". And frankly, he mostly wasn't. Mostly, he was a class A jerk, or he was distant. At the end, I never got what Wendy saw in the dude.

But I'll be honest, I liked almost all the supporting characters. If this trilogy was about them, I'll probably be gulping it up. Like, Tove or Rhys's stories will be fan. Or even Matt's!

Now we're moving to the REAL THING. I'm putting here the general gist of things, but if you want to see a play by play, detailed rant of the whole "romance" thing, come back to PART TWO tomorrow. 

Now, okay. Oh. My. Fucking. Tripping. God. WHY?

The romance in this book made me want to kill myself. Scratch that, kill Wendy. I just wanted it to end already! It was so insta love I can't even! 

This was one of the worst--if not the wrost--cases of insta love I've ever read of, and I couldn't find one good reason for them to fall in love! It takes her exactly four days to decided she's fallen in love with Finn, in which they barely interact. (Go to part 2 for more on this).

The "love" in this story, if you can really call it that, completely overshadowed and overpowered the plot, to the point where I felt there wasn't much of the latter. Thankfully, it eased up a bit after 100 pages, otherwise this would have been a DNF for sure.

Side note: I did enjoy their first kiss. Maybe it was because some plot has finally been dished out and diluted the romance a bit, but I'm not complaining. About this, anyways lol

Another thing I'm not complaining about is the ending, because I kind of liked it. I truly believe that if this story took a different turn (i.e: erasing the god-awful romance and focusing on the actual story), I would've liked it. Unfortunately, that's not the case.

P.S - someone, please tell me, do people really say "foxy" nowadays? Is this still a thing??

CLICK HERE FOR MORE SPOILERY THOUGHTS ON THE ROMANCE! 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #5: Is This Supposed to Be Romance?)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

For explanation on this multi-parted rant, go to Part #1.

Know all the "still a better love story than Twilight" jokes? They won't work here. 

Guy is a jerk to girl all the time. Girl hates guy. But girl is also.... attracted to guy? An attraction that makes no sense, comes out of nowhere and has no basis in the story? But, yeah. She can't hate him for more than a minute (even though her hate is justified) without thinking about the dangerous, undeniable (I DENY) connection between them. Which I never once sensed/saw/understood/anything. 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #4: Vee)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

For explanation on this multi-parted rant, go to Part #1.

I have one thing to say to you, Vee dear - 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #3: Patch)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

For explanation on this multi-parted rant, go to Part #1.

I despair for humanity when I think about the fact people like this guy. People fantasize about this class-A douche-bag. People swoon and sigh at his name. People need their heads checked, pronto. Because can any of you seriously tell me that in RL you'll want someone like this?! 

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #2: Nora)

SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS // SPOILERS

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

So, as I explained earlier, every annoying, asinine character/part of the aforementioned novel is going to get his own special post, because otherwise it would be one gigantic review and you don't need that in your life. Like this, you will at least  have the choice if you want to read it or not.

So, to start this week long Hush, Hush rant extravaganza, let's take a look on the main character of this novel - Nora.

Book Rant: Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick (Part #1: Overview)

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick
Hush, Hush #1
First Published: 2010
Paperback
Young Adult, Fantasy
Rating:

A SACRED OATH
A FALLEN ANGEL
A FORBIDDEN LOVE
Romance was not part of Nora Grey's plan. She's never been particularly attracted to the boys at her school, no matter how hard her best friend, Vee, pushes them at her. Not until Patch comes along. With his easy smile and eyes that seem to see inside her, Patch draws Nora to him against her better judgment.
But after a series of terrifying encounters, Nora's not sure whom to trust. Patch seems to be everywhere she is and seems to know more about her than her closest friends. She can't decide whether she should fall into his arms or run and hide. And when she tries to seek some answers, she finds herself near a truth that is way more unsettling than anything Patch makes her feel.
For she is right in the middle of an ancient battle between the immortal and those that have fallen - and, when it comes to choosing sides, the wrong choice will cost Nora her life.

Anybody who loved Hush, Hush, you better leave this review five part rant right now because...

And you know what? I am done apologizing for hating this book. Done apologizing for thinking that the world is effing crazy for loving this... thing. I respect your opinion, and if you like it -- good for you, but I still can't understand it.

I don't even know where to begin, there is so much wrong here. So many ire inducing parts and moments. It's setting my teeth on edge just thinking of this book. But I guess I'll zero in on the characters and the romance. Or whatever the heck that was.

Only, I'm going to do a quick overview here and then proceed to rant in details over each and every agonizing bit in separate posts, because when I finished writing it all it was four times the length of my normal reviews and I didn't have the heart to subject you to that without at least giving you the option to choose whether you really want more of this rant in your life.

In short (because the long version is super long) - Nora is an idiot, Patch is a class A jerk, Vee is the worst best friend in the history of literature and I wish she'd die, and the romance doesn't make sense at all. Unless you have a thing for stalkers who force you against walls.  

Seriously, there is not one selling point for this whole mess. And if bad af characters and romance aren't bad enough, there was so much inconsistency. It seemed like Fitzpatrick threw in information and people without a thought, reducing or ignoring them when she felt like it.

Like the school assignment that brought Nora and Patch together, and then conveniently disappeared from the plot. Conversations that Nora was supposed to have with her mother, but didn't. Discussions Vee and her should've had, but didn't. Or the tutoring bit.

That's not okay. Don't just put in things if you're not going to go back to them. If you're going to pretend they didn't exist. So much useless information just clogs up an already murky plot, and for nitpickers like me it just serves to drive us crazy, because we effing remember you put it there.

And the ending... just no. And I'm not even going to elaborate on that part because it just pains me to relive this and I would rather scrub it from my mind. But if you want to read what the ending should've been, check out Kat Kennedy's awesome How It Should Have Ended.

So, this is everything in a nutshell. I'll be posting the links here and on the other posts for each and every part of this elaborate rant, so if you are looking for a hefty dose of sarcasm and frustration (albeit funny ones), you can just drop by by the end of the week or simply follow the blog for quick updates every time a post goes live! ;)

Buy Now 

LOL, joke!

Go To:

Part One: Overview | Part Two: Nora | Part Three: Patch | Part Four: Vee | Part Five: Is This Supposed to be Romance?

DNF Review: Keep Me Safe by Maya Banks

Keep Me Safe by Maya Banks

Slow Burn #1

First Published: 2014

Kindle Edition

Adult, Contemporary Fantasy

Rating:

A sizzling story of a woman who risks her life and her heart to find a wealthy man’s missing sister — the first novel in a sexy new romantic suspense series from #1 New York Timesbestselling author Maya Banks
When Caleb Devereaux's younger sister is kidnapped, this scion of a powerful and wealthy family turns to an unlikely source for help: a beautiful and sensitive woman with a gift for finding answers others cannot.
While Ramie can connect to victims and locate them by feeling their pain, her ability comes with a price. Every time she uses it, it costs her a piece of herself. Helping the infuriatingly attractive and impatient Caleb successfully find his sister nearly destroys her. Even though his sexual intensity draws her like a magnet, she needs to get as far away from him as she can.
Deeply remorseful for the pain he’s caused, Caleb is determined to make things right. But just when he thinks Ramie's vanished forever, she reappears. She’s in trouble and she needs his help. Now, Caleb will risk everything to protect her — including his heart....

DNF at 25% 

By this point, I ought to learn my lesson and just stick to Maya Banks's historicals, because whereas her historicals are some of my top favorite, her contemporaries leave a lot to be desired. It's almost like she has a split writer personality disorder. 

I wonder if it's because contemporary romance nowadays seems to be (ridiculously) conditioned toward fast, quick, instantaneous relationships while in historicals it's acceptable to take your time--with the physical and emotional build up--because of the times, when you couldn't just hop into someone's bed without consequences (such as marriage). 

Regardless of the reason, I am just so damned disappointed. 

Keep Me Safe takes it's title quite seriously from what I could gather from the 25% (roughly 81 pages) I forced myself through, as this entire novel seems to center around Caleb keeping Ramie safe from a stalker and from her abilities.

Yes, stalker and abilities. Ramie can psychically link herself to kidnap victims in order to find them, but by doing so she experiences what they are going through (such as rape). But she's so goodhearted that despite this horrific ramifications, she would endure it to save others. Until a psychopath sets his eyes on her, and instead of reporting it she decides to disappear. And then he finds her, and she phones the one man she thinks can help her. Caleb. 

The premise of Keep Me Safe is somewhat unique, albeit uncomfortable, I'll admit. But it's executed very, very poorly.

Firstly, it feels like this novel haven't been edited. At all. Characters contradict themselves constantly - one minute Character A says one thing, then in another scene Character B says the same but Character A argues against it and then says she hasn't thought of it before. Or Character A would repeatedly mention something, then in another scene would "just figure out" exactly what she's been saying all along as if it never occurred to her before. And more weird things like this. 

And then, there's is the repetition. This book could be bearable, maybe even good, if the excessive repetition was taken out of it. Sure, it would be half the length it is now, but filling the pages with the same information hardly counts as plot. It just makes me want to scream WE GET IT. 

But actually, maybe it wouldn't be good even then. It might take more than just technical cleaning to make this something I could enjoy, because the plot was a complete mess as well. 

Because Ramie's abilities were just all over the place. Aside to the whole psychic link, she can sense "the worst" in people. But never any of the good (which we are told over and over and over and over and over and over again). Okay. But then... she feels nothing of Caleb because (even though he entertains violent thoughts), he is essentially good? 

So... you don't sense "the worst in people", as you've said, do you? You sense their inclination. A person who is bad inside can't hide it from you, but an absence of feeling means good, doesn't it? The book basically wants you to believe Ramie can do all that & have never encountered good people before to balance it out.

But okay, I guess I could stomach that improbability and inconsistency? after all, her abilities are really not important in the grand scheme of things. They are just a plot device to get the two together.... as is the rape. Yes, I just said it. The rape in this book feels like something broached for impact and nothing else. A far cry from the tasteful, careful handle of the same subject in Highlander Most Wanted, a book of hers I highly recommend. 

While Keep Me Safe takes it's title seriously, it laughs at the chosen series name as this is the farthest thing away from "slow burn". This is so insta love it hurts. 

P.80
"There's something between us, something beyond a passing acquaintance" 

This gem is told by Caleb to Ramie on their second meeting. The first time they never even properly talked and the second has been focusing on the imminent danger to Ramie. So, insta-love. Or insta something-beyond-a-passing-acquaintance. 

Luckily, I never really got past this ridiculous sentence to actually endure the insta-love. Who knows, maybe it would've surprised me. 

And finally... the writing. Maya Banks is a considerable writer, but you couldn't tell based on her contemporaries, where the writing seems to become more choppy, wooden and scripted with every new one that pops. Seriously what is going on?

P.1
"He and his brothers, Beau and Quinn, had always been extremely overprotective of their baby sister. With good reason. Caleb was the head of a veritable empire. Security was always top priority"

Am I the only one who thinks this barely flows?? 

Buy Now 

N/A as that would be slightly hypocritical lol