The King's Men by Nora Sakavic | I Don't Want to Say Goodbye!

The King's Men by Nora Sakavic

All for the Game #3

First Published: 2014

Kindle

New Adult, Contemporary

Rating:

Re-Readability:

Neil Josten is out of time. He knew when he came to PSU he wouldn't survive the year, but with his death right around the corner he's got more reasons than ever to live.

Befriending the Foxes was inadvisable. Kissing one is unthinkable. Neil should know better than to get involved with anyone this close to the end, but Andrew's never been the easiest person to walk away from. If they both say it doesn't mean anything, maybe Neil won't regret losing it, but the one person Neil can't lie to is himself.

He's got promises to keep and a team to get to championships if he can just outrun Riko a little longer, but Riko's not the only monster in Neil's life. The truth might get them all killed—or be Neil's one shot at getting out of this alive.

What? It's... it's over? It can't be over! What am I supposed to do with my life now?? How am I supposed to continue living, and pushing air into my lungs, and just generally existing now that this series is over???

The struggle is a bit too real for comfort, tbh.

There's no room for doubt, no room for second guesses, no room for error. This is your night. This is your game. This is your moment. Seize it with everything you've got. Pull out all the stops and lay it all on the line. Fight because you don't know how to die quietly. Win because you don't know how to lose. This king's ruled long enough—it's time to tear his castle down.

So... before I get into this--and I WILL get into this--there are spoilers for SHIPS and END GAMES in this review. Pfff. By this time you know I ain't gonna be able to properly review this anyways. But... yeah, spoilers. I low key don't even want you to read my review before you read the book because I'm gonna talk freely and I kind of want you to experience everything for yourself.

BECAUSE IT IS GLORIOUS.

Neil had been doing one stupid thing after another all year long and this had turned into the best year of his life.

Like, The King's Men doesn't lack for brutality. But unlike the second book where the darkness gets all-consuming, this time there is light at the end of the tunnel. There are people to lean on and trust, there are characters growing and evolving. There is strength and love to carry everything on. Overwhelming love. Most of it familial and friendly, but some of it... some of it entirely romantic. And that final one, especially, makes everything so fucking worth it.

This is literally an otp to top all otps. This otp is standing right now at the top of my otp list. It will probably stay there for a very, very long time. It's not perfect. It's not always healthy. It's a little bit violent and somewhat unexpected, and it swallows you whole with how right it is. With how it makes two broken people... a little less broken. A lot happier. How the simple understanding between them makes everything better; all the pain and the suffering and the hurt.

The first time I read the All for the Game series I started suspecting where this may be going on book two. I held my breath, and let a small "it can't be" because as much as it suddenly hit me that I needed that development to happen, I wasn't sure it would go there. I wanted these two people to find each other. I wanted it with a ferocity that rocked me to my core. And it would have been too heartbreaking if it didn't happen.

He withdrew completely, leaving just the memory of his heartbeat against Neil's mouth, and spun away.

Neil didn't show much interest up to that point, too busy surviving and compartmentalizing. Almost nothing before it suggested it might be possible. That's what I thought, at least, too absorbed by the first reading to see all the signs. By my second read of the series, I realized how inevitable it has always been, from the very very first book, how right, with such sentences as this;

He touched Neil's back on his way by, fingers light enough to give Neil goose bumps

 Cue the incessant squealing and delight.

Andrew Minyard and Neil Josten are absolutely perfect together. They are entirely broken individuals who are fractured beyond repair, but their unique damages somehow make each other's pain more bearable. Their "I love you"s are replaced by "I hate you"s, and for them... it works. They don't talk feelings or emotions because they don't need to. Their actions and looks do all the necessary talking. They aren't gentle, and for the most part, they aren't sweet--although, fuck me, but I think some of their scenes are still some of the sweetest scenes I've ever read. Like, the shower scene?? and the hotel scene?? And the protein bar scene?? And the two of them just talking and existing together, finding solace in each other's presence????

"Can you read lips?" Andrew pointed at his mouth as he spoke. "The next time someone comes for you, stand down and let me deal with it. Do you understand?"
"If it means losing you, then no," Neil said.

It's so much harder to convince a reader of a couple's love without using specific words, but the best relationships depicted in books are often like this, because there is no easy out, no easy phrase to fall back on and shortcut your reader to that point (it's why a lot of romance novels don't quite work for me - they favour the words over the emotions), but Sakavic doesn't go there. Instead, she silently builds Neil and Andrew's relationship BRILLIANTLY.

People, I WILL FIGHT YOU for this couple.

Their relationship is never going to be classified as "normal", same as neither one would ever be. But... they don't need normal. Both are far too scarred and far too ruined for that. They create their own normal. A normal just between the two of them. A normal that holds and protects and opens up. Just between them, just in the small moments. And it's enough. It's more than enough.

Andrew's disinterest in his psychological well-being was what had drawn Neil to him in the first place: the realization that Andrew would never flinch away from whatever poison was eating Neil alive.

Also, I was so happy there was no real "you're gay" / "I'm gay" conversation. There is no need to come out or even discuss the situation. There is no fear in Neil when he tries this thing with Andrew; no second-guessing or questioning, aside from the question of whether he's allowed such luxuries when he's going to die soon. There is no judgment and no fanfare. It's nothing worth talking about, anyway. The most we get is this;

"I've said all year I don't swing and I meant it. Kissing you doesn't make me look at any of them differently. The only one I'm interested in is you."
"Don't say stupid things."
"Stop me," Neil returned. He buried his hands in Andrew's hair and tugged him in for a kiss.

I SAID IT WAS GLORIOUS, DIDN'T I???

Also also they are hot together. I've got to admit, I wasn't expecting that, but I sure as hell am not complaining.

The whole thing was ENTIRELY BEAUTIFUL and it HURT SO GOOD.

"I hate you."
"Nine percent of the time you don't."
"Nine percent of the time I don't want to kill you. I always hate you."
"Every time you say that I believe you a little less."

It's not the only thing that happens - there is more physical pain in store for our foxes. There are dire discoveries and facing old ghosts. There is broken ground and broken bones. There is CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT in abundance. Andrew and Neil's for obvious reasons, but Kevin is a shining star in this one as well. And Allison. I really really really like what has become of Allison in these three books.

But I like all my foxes. Not equally, because I think I made it very clear Neil and Andrew are my problematic faves and I would die for them, but I never said I was fair.

"This," Neil flicked his finger to indicate the two of them, "isn't worthless."
"There is no 'this'. This is nothing."
"And I am nothing," Neil prompted. When Andrew gestured confirmation, Neil said, "And as you've always said, you want nothing."

The King's Men was an amazing finale to this beautiful series; it didn't solve all their problems, but then it never could. No one is fine by the end of it, but all of them are better. Their love for the game, and their love for each other--all of them--shines in a way to colors everything.

And I'm not gonna lie; I WILL BE READING THIS ONE AGAIN SOON! Life's too short to deny yourself the small things that first completely break you but then make you happy.

((I have so many delicious quotes of these two highlighted. I did warn that I was obsessed. OBSESSED.)) 

The Raven King by Nora Sakavic | Well, That Was Soul Crushing

The Raven King by Nora Sakavic

All for the Game #2

First Published: 2013

Kindle

New Adult, Contemporary

Rating:

Re-Readability:

The Foxes are a fractured mess, but their latest disaster might be the miracle they've always needed to come together as a team. The one person standing in their way is Andrew, and the only one who can break through his personal barriers is Neil.
Except Andrew doesn't give up anything for free and Neil is terrible at trusting anyone but himself. The two don't have much time to come to terms with their situation before outside forces start tearing them apart. Riko is intent on destroying Neil's fragile new life, and the Foxes have just become collateral damage.
Neil's days are numbered, but he's learning the hard way to go down fighting for what he believes in, and Neil believes in Andrew even if Andrew won't believe in himself.

Do you guys hear that? what IS that sound? Oh, it's just my heart breaking into a million pieces and my soul disintegrating? nvm then.

Seriously, this book... THIS BOOK. Like, book one wasn't sunshine and rainbows. But it looks so bright and cheerful compared to this one??? This one is not just stepping up the ante and bringing the series to a new level, it shoots it out of the atmosphere.

Sakavic is done being cuddly sweet with us. Now the real thing begins, and it is fucking brutal.

"Look. Shit happened. Shit's going to keep happening. You don't need me to tell you life isn't fair. You're here because you know it isn't. Life doesn't care what we want out of it; it's up to us to fight for what we want with everything we've got.

Like, I knew the series will get there. I just didn't know how fast it will and how truly awful it would be. And on the one hand, ouch. And on the other... it hurts so good??? idk man, this book ruined me, it really really did. But I subjected myself to it twice. In three days. So... I guess... I'm a masochist?

You learn something new about yourself every day.

So, yeah. This book is all-caps PAIN. Lots and lots of PAIN. PAIN when you least expect it and PAIN when you definitely do. Sing it with me; PAIN PAIN PAIN. Like... what? WHaT? How is any of this okay?? How is this---just no. No no no. STOP HURTING MY BABIES, YOU MONSTERS!

Like, no joke, this book is VICIOUS. But also perfect. BUT ALSO VICIOUS.

Like, plot-wise, these things need to happen and holy hell the BEAUTIFUL CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT WE'RE SEEING HERE IS GLORIOUS. But from the unhealthy attached Nitzan point of view, these things should not be happening and FUCKING STOP IT BEFORE I HURT YOU.

I am a GODDAMN MESS. I am using way too much all caps and way too much "like"s for this to be considered any form of coherent thinking/writing. I probably need to chill. No, I most definitely do. BUT I CAN'T AND I DON'T CARE IF YOU JUDGE ME.

Like (again with that word...), I loved Neil in book one. You will too (the "or else" is implied). But Neil in book two? Neil in book two is an entirely new beast. AND I AM LIVING FOR IT. We saw glimpses of it in the first book; of who Neil could be if he let himself care, if he let himself set roots, if he chose to fight instead of flight. And Neil is getting there. He is getting bolder, and stronger. He is learning to lean, and he's starting to want to be leaned on. On court and off court. Out of the nothing, starts to emerge something.

AND IT IS ABSOLUTELY STUNNING.

As he listened to them, Neil realized he was happy. It was such an unexpected and unfamiliar feeling he lost track of the conversation for a minute.

As for Andrew, in book one I thought I was a bit cray cray for liking the short psychopath. In book two I'm judging everyone who doesn't like him. Seriously, the guy is so messed up in the head and I love it?? Especially because he is so unflinching and reliable and yeah way too violent and unstable but also absolutely honest and straightforward and loyal in his own messed up way??

And we're getting to see the Neil we deserve because of him???

And of course, there's the big THING there at the climax. If you still hate Andrew after that or whatever I request you swiftly and quietly leave this review. Someone is going to get hurt. And since I've never fought anyone before, it's bound to be me.

"We've all got different experiences, but we're used to needing help. We're just not used to getting it. But you've got us now."

Neil and Andrew are not the only ones growing. Kevin is, too, veeeeery slowly.

And my foxes. MY PRECIOUS FOXES. Their friendship is as heartwarming as it is dysfunctional, especially because it doesn't go without saying. Most of these people had lived rough lives. They are not strangers to the world being a fucked up place. They have not been raised to trust, or believe in, or support. If anything, they have been taught to be cold, and ugly, and solitary. And more often than not, not to believe in family.

And also, some of them have been taught to be absolute bastards, and not everyone can or would care for such assholes (I'm looking at you, twins).

AND YET HERE THEY ARE, CARVING THEIR OWN LITTLE MESSED UP, MISMATCHED FAMILY. They raly and protect each other, even when the other person is being a total dick to them. They respect each other's boundaries and limits, even as they try to find ways to reach them. Even if they don't quite like them. Because family is not really about liking someone or not. When you're family, you just are.

He was their family. They were his. They were worth every cut and bruise and scream.

NO, I'M NOT MAKING MYSELF CRY AT MY PRECIOUS REJECTS. STFU. 

The Foxhole Court by Nora Sakavic | I Can't Get Enough of This Series!

The Foxhole Court by Nora Sakavic

All for the Game #1

First Published: 2013

Kindle

New Adult, Contemporary

Rating:

Re-Readability:

Neil Josten is the newest addition to the Palmetto State University Exy team. He's short, he's fast, he's got a ton of potential—and he's the runaway son of the murderous crime lord known as The Butcher.
Signing a contract with the PSU Foxes is the last thing a guy like Neil should do. The team is high profile and he doesn't need sports crews broadcasting pictures of his face around the nation. His lies will hold up only so long under this kind of scrutiny and the truth will get him killed.
But Neil's not the only one with secrets on the team. One of Neil's new teammates is a friend from his old life, and Neil can't walk away from him a second time. Neil has survived the last eight years by running. Maybe he's finally found someone and something worth fighting for.

Look, I had no idea what I was getting into when I started reading THE FOXHOLE COURT. I didn't know it will take over my life with alarming swiftness. I didn't know it will become one of my favorite series ever. I certainly didn't know it will become my next obsession.

Heck, I bought the books on a whim after seeing Cait's excitement on Instagram (I probably would have never looked at that ugly cover twice otherwise), and started reading immediately on impulse.

Best. Impulse. Ever.

If he inhaled slowly enough, he could almost taste the ghost of gasoline and fire.

I don't think I ever had an experience with a book like I did with this series. It's not as much this specific one as the series as a whole, but we're talking about the first book now so I'll leave that for the final review.

So, here's what happened: I read this book in a day. Then I read books two and three the following day. And then... Then I opened book one again the day after and started reading from the very beginning and moved on to books two and three without pausing for a breath. I read the entirety of the All for the Game trilogy twice in six days. That never happens. 

I'm no stranger to re-reads. I do them often, as I find them comforting. But I have never, ever, done so immediately after the first read. That never happens. Except it did, with this series. And you know what? I am so, so, tempted to give them another re-read right now, as I am typing this.

It's safe to say THE FOXHOLE COURT is a one of a kind experience. I'm honestly not entirely sure that it's a healthy one, due to my level of fixation, but I am not complaining.

It sounded like a dream; it tasted like damnation.

It's one of the most addictive books I have ever read. If you told me to point a finger at what, specifically, makes it so unbelievably un-put-down-able, I would fumble with the answer. I would try to put into words the feelings that this book invoked, and I would fail.

It's so incredibly difficult to explain the magic of this book because, on the surface, there shouldn't be any. It's a sports book, and I'm no big fan of sports. It's a little on the far-fetched end of things because it requires you to believe in a few things that feel a little impossible.

Not the biggest of which the fact a team like the Foxes actually exists. In real life, wouldn't a coach that fails to deliver results for five years be fired instead of continually trusted and listened to? Wouldn't the University cut their losses early and reject our band of rejects in favor of good, stable athletes after they see their games? Talent shouldn't be enough.

"God damn it, Minyard. This is why we can't have nice things."
"Oh, Coach," someone said over Neil's head. "If he was nice, he wouldn't be any use to us, would he?"

Normally, that would turn me off, or at least make me skeptic. That's why when I see reviewers who do feel that way, I understand. But... on a personal level, it didn't matter to me. It simply became fact that our Foxes do exist in this world and that I much the better for it.

I am much the better for meeting Neil Josten. Neil is a living lie, a person who doesn't really exist. He can't. Not if he wants to stay alive. Nothing about the boy is real; from his age to his name to his background. Nothing save for his undying love and passion for the sport called Exy, and everything we learn about him throughout the book through his actions and interactions; Brave, broken, beaten Neil. Awkward Neil. Confused Neil. The Neil who doesn't understand friendships and doesn't believe in family because he never truly had either.

Leaving meant living, but Neil's way of living was survival, nothing more.

Neil is one of those characters that will make you want to read on and on. You will want to soothe his pain and panic and wipe his fears away. You will want to cheer and clap when he shows his bravery and hot-headedness instead of hiding them beneath a facade. You will want to scream of excitement every time he chooses to stay. To stay and fight.

Keys meant Neil had explicit permission to be here and do what he liked. They meant he belonged.

Despite all of his deceptions, Neil is extremely honest. He voices his opinions without being afraid. He watches carefully and he notices things about those around him. And for the most part, he is extremely free of judgment. He would not begrudge you your vices, or your background, or your sexual orientation, or anything. For one, he has seen a lot in his short eighteen years. For another, it's none of his business. And it doesn't really matter.

Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.

The mess that is the foxes serve to highlight all of who Neil is without telling us. The weird, dysfunctional balance between them all comes crashing down more than once and yet somehow always manages to be shakingly restored.

People want to pretend people like us don't exist, you know? Everyone hopes we're someone else's problem to solve." He reached out and fingered the material. "They don't understand, so they don't know where to start. They feel overwhelmed and give up before they've taken the first step."

On the flip side, Neil served to highlight their traits, especially Kevin and Andrew. Andrew is kind of my favorite, being a total messed up psycho half the time who needs to chill out asap, as Cait put it in one of her reviews. But there is something so compelling about him. There is a reason everyone puts up with him; a reason Kevin trusts him to protect him; a reason his group listens to what he says. Part of it is fear, and part of it is that something about him underneath it all.

"I'm not a math problem."
"But I'll still solve you."

But even though Andrew is my favorite, I love all my foxes. I love Dan and Matt and their relationship (#relationshipgoals anyone??). I loved Nicky, the big flirt. I loved the way Aaron serves to show us more of Andrew, even if Aaron himself is a little meh. I loved Renee's weird serenity, and Seth's asshole ways, and Allison's Queen Bitch and Queen of the World attitude. I fiercely loved Coach, who would give these kids as many chances as they needed, and Abby, the only one among them that is allowed to worry about their physical well being as their nurse.

No one in this book is perfect. They are all messed up, and they will never really be fine, even if they might get better. They don't always make the right choice, and they definitely don't always make the good choice. Reading of all these people was like some kind of drug. Reading of Neil's love of the sport was addictive. Reading some of the horrifying realities these characters endured was fascinating and revolting.

"It's not the world that's cruel," Neil said. "It's the people in it."

If you had asked me a week before if I thought I could love such an impossibly messed up group of people, I might have said no. I would have been a major, giant idiot.

Moral of the story; don't be an idiot like I might have been. Read this book. It's FREE.