Where Have I Been... and Am I coming Back?

Hello hello hello!!

How are everyone? For the past few months I've been pretty inactive, mostly active in the deal area of this blog, but I wanted to give you an update in case you were worried about my status.

My biggest passion in life has always, always, been writing stories. It has been my dream and life goal since I was seven years old. I used to write every day, all day, until I was about eighteen, when I went to collage for script writing.

There, ironically enough, I stopped writing. There was something so depressing and life sucking in that program that made me completely lose my muse. For five years. Those five years were, instead, filled with reading many different books.

Earlier this year, I found my groove again. I started writing again. But something had to give. And that something had to be.... reading. And this is, ultimately, a review blog. So, unfortunately, this blog was hurt the most by this.

That being said, I am starting to find more balance, and in order to have a more balanced diet, I intend to read and review four books per month (at least), and write four non review posts of any kind.

Now, what else have I been doing? 

1. Exercising! Unbelievably enough, I have started a regime of walks and jogs in order to live a healthier life & lose some of the weight I've gained since starting my job. It's a lot of weight lol

2. Watching drama. I kind of got sucked into that world while focusing on my writing. It's easier to just invest 45 minutes to an hour in an episode one in a while than a book. I tend to lose myself while I'm reading.

3. Gif-ing! I don't know how it happened, but I started gifing the shows I'm watching. It's becoming a real sickness!!

What about you guys? What have you been doing this past few months? Read anything good you can recommend for my 4 books a month?

The Journey of a Coward | Finding Courage in your Opinions

I started blogging in 2012. I was shy of eighteen, and a coward.

Do you know the term coming out of your shell? At eighteen, I wasn't anywhere near my shell. I was burrowed deep, deep inside. I had just started opening my eyes, just started letting people in, just started smiling to people I didn't know and taking life a little easier.

But the shell was still in place, and I was afraid.

Blogging was something that started naturally. I found Goodreads, discovered a whole digital world of people who love reading and could talk books with me, and jumped right into it. I felt like a Digidestined receiving her digivice and transporting into another world. The real world I was meant to be in all along.

I was hungry and desperate for conversation on things I loved. To bring my thoughts--those thoughts that so often stayed in my head only because I was frightened of voicing them, frightened of saying the wrong thing, frightened to offend or annihilate--out there. To people who didn't know me, but would speak to me.

And still, I was afraid.

Well, that's not quite true. At first, I had no fear in this new fantastic world. I had only excitement. Finally, I could use my voice -- without ever opening my mouth, without potentially showing those around me how messed up, or geeky, or nerdy I was. Because in the internet you both exist and don't, you're both there and simultaneously nowhere at all. It was safe. Or so I thought.

Then I started seeing the drama. Started seeing how people attacked and trolled, how people were still close-minded and obscene about things that differed from them. How there was still derision and hate and anger - stronger than in real life, maybe, where you could watch your actions unfold and affect.

Because online, you're both there and nowhere... and your victims are just pieces of digital data online. You're Tom to their Jerry. Even if you throw a bomb at them, they're going to bounce right off. No harm done. Only these "fictional people" do exist. You may walk by them on the street and never know it, but they have a corporeal body and they bleed and they hurt. And so, my fear returned.

Every time I read a popular novel, I was filled with anxiety. Because what if I didn't like it? what if those predators turned their claws and fangs on me? How would I deal? At eighteen, I couldn't deal. This was a truth I knew about myself, but had no yet accepted. A truth I would never come to accept, which was the only reason I could make myself grow out of it. But I'm running ahead of the story.

Back to eighteen; so at eighteen, I made unconscious decisions to... cushion my ratings. I say unconscious because I was not aware of doing it. I gave books three and three and a half stars ratings that now, looking back, were two, two and a half star reads for me. In my mind, the three/three and a half ratings were the lesser evil. A safe balance between what I really thought... and what was dangerous territory. 

Sure, the book wasn't that great, and I felt nothing for the characters, and the romance felt flat, and the world building sucked but... hey, I didn't hate it, right? This is a phrase that kept popping often in my reviews... I didn't hate the book. Like that's some glowing endorsement. 

My words were still pretty harsh, and the books I truly hated received no such treatment, but most of the books received the "average" rating. A part of me figured, I think, that if the rating wasn't one/two stars, then the trolls won't come and the lions won't attack, because they won't have the energy to actually read the review and see I spoke of exactly one positive in the whole novel.

They keep their energies for the really bad ratings.

But again, I wasn't aware of doing that. Now, stronger and more firm (and definitely unapologetic) about my opinions, I can see that. I can almost map the way this all worked out in my brain, can almost feel the nudging of my subconscious danger, danger, move with caution. 

So, at eighteen, I was a coward. At nineteen, I was a creature of habit. I was a year into collage, found a source of strength in the friends I made there, was faced with some shitty life situations and went past them. I felt more comfortable in me, but that fearful habit to protect myself remained. I was still careful.

At twenty, I started to have a strong grasp on who I am. I stopped shying away from my opinions in public. I found my voice and the strength to defend what I believed in. I was no longer putrefied of speaking in public; I knew the pounding in my heart is going to be difficult, but I also knew it won't stop me. 

I became comfortable in who I am. I forgot to say "sorry" all the time, forgot to hesitate in a conversation. I was still shy, I would still agonies for days before making the first step in anything, but once I took that step I was all in.

I was infinitely stronger, and infinitely more myself. 

And so I started becoming displeased with my blog, with my online self, which continued to project a lesser self instead of who I am. Continued to show me a coward instead of a warrior.

At twenty one, I stopped apologizing. I started being firm and strict in my opinions. This trickled into my blog life, and brought on a wave of "oldies". I wanted my reviews to reflect who I am, and by doing so I realized the distressing truth of how afraid I was when I was younger.

Eighteen is not young. I was a late bloomer, for sure. It was just four short years ago, but if feels like a lifetime away.

I started a new blog, a blog that was my place to be and to exist and think exactly what I want to think and if someone doesn't like that, click away. I started to become unafraid of hate because, dude, I don't understand hate myself. I would never hate your for your opinions and beliefs if they vary from mine. 

I might not understand them, I might even think you're a complete moron--but I would keep those to myself, and I would definitely never comment and tell you it to your face. I would never be disrespectful towards you, and no, I won't hate you. My hatred is few and limited, and I keep it for people who have seriously wronged me in RL. And even then, it tends to dissipate the farther away I am from it.

And if you want to hate my opinions, hate my thoughts, hate the fact I have either of which and it's not exactly the way you look at life... well, I'm sorry to tell you, this doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me. If anything, it says something about you.

It took four years of blogging to get me to this point. It took the end of my last year of high-school where I met the first friend that forced me closer to that shell, two years of collage where I meet six fantastic people who balanced my trio and gave us strength, it took a year a half in the army and dealing with the unfairness of a system in real life as an adult that has to count on herself.

I FIND COURAGE IN MY OPINIONS. 
I AN NOT ASHAMED OF THEM.
I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUR HATE.

And neither should you.

But the thing is; don't try to rush things. Don't beat yourself up if you're not there. You're growing into yourself, whether you're sixteen or sixty it doesn't matter. Don't try to force yourself to reach this place. I am happy with where I am today, but I am fully aware that in four years, I may be in a completely different place.

The way you feel about yourself is not something you can control.  I can honestly tell you that at eighteen, I hated the person I was. I can still remember and reprimand myself on conversations I had four years ago, when I should have said something but didn't. I was miserable with my weak self.

You can always strive to be better, to face things that scare you, to try to find your footing. But you can never force yourself to love yourself. Instead, you have to let yourself grow, you have to try to become a self you can love.

And finally, if you're read this far... I love you. I appreciate your opinions. I am never going to hold them against you; the farthest away you can take me is to say "I disagree, but it's okay if you think otherwise".

And to me, y'all are beautiful.

So if you need someone to talk to, I'm here.

My (Extra)ordinary Way to Watch TV

I don't think I watch TV (or more accurately, TV shows) quite the same way other people do, if I were honest. 

It starts off one of two ways: I either find a show through tumblr by seeing dozens of gif sets or what not, finding a couple that looks beyond adorable to ship, and then jumping in to join the party. Or, I find a show through sidereel or my mother's recommendation and THEN move to tumblr.

As you can see, tumblr is pretty important in my watching method either way. I'm emphasizing this because it's going to be extra important in just a sec. 

After I've decided on a show to watch, I usually watch around the first eight episodes in one go... and maybe the whole season. I Just binge right through them. Worth noting:

• If a show has eight episodes and I find myself stopping in episode three or four, then I probably won't continue with it because it means the show is not for me. Usually, I know why I'm stopping but sometimes it just doesn't click.
• If a show is ongoing and doesn't have that many, even if I'm head over heels in love with the episodes I've watched, chances are I'll drop it until there's at least a full season before I continue watching because I tend to forget shows.

March Round Up!

General Stuff

Oh boy, March was exhausting, and pretty low on reading. Instead, I watched some shows, read some manga and generally let myself relax because work was so hard y'all. My supervisor is off touring India (she comes back next week. Yay!) and that... put me in charge. Of a bunch of kids who don't want to work. Of making sure everything was working properly.

Lord have mercy.

Do you know how many late night phone calls I got? How many fires I had to put out? How many moments of silent panic? And between all that, interviewing for my next position!

I needed a lot of rest and a lot of not thinking when I was home (which wasn't much!) which is what I did.

And... I'm perfectly okay with it.

BTW - I got the new job! :D

MY READING MONTH

Reading? What is this reading you talk of? Haha, kidding. I read exactly three books this month and three manga (but two of them were under 16 chapters so I didn't count them really). This might sound as very little reading. That's because it is. But, I enjoyed everything else I did this month which was seeing two foreign drama and immersing myself in the YouTube and the Tumblr and going out with friends.

I still intend to bring up my count in April, just because it's been a long time since I had such a weak month. I don't plan to bring it back up to 14 a month minimum (yes, that's how it used to be lol) but five a month sounds doable :)

POSTS

REVIEWS

 Wow I forgot how many reviews I had up this month :O

Thank you so much for sticking with me in March, and here's to hoping you'll come again in April :)

Guys - It's Alright Not to Read ALL The Time

You may have noticed the blog has been quite sparse for the last month. This is due to a few reasons, the most important of which is that I simply have no time.

I have been absolutely swamped.

I'm practically a social butterfly right now, which is so weird to me 'cause I'm an introvert through and through and I am not used to going out of the house for non-work related things for more than once-twice a month, definitely not one-two times a week. I love my friends, and I love hanging with them (we're pretty low-key), but that much social interaction is exhausting for me. I feel drained from the lack of me-time.

Still, this is the best kind of exhaustion.

The bad type is the one I get from work, especially as I am acting as the office supervisor right now because ours is on a trip to India (I am so jealous) and I am basically holding everything together single handed. There is a major rant I could be having on the subject, but I'd rather not open it on the internet. Where, you know, anyone could see it.

I'm getting sidetracked.

Between all that, I find that I barely read or focus on the blog - social media wise or content wise, though, this mostly applies on these extra posts that I love to make that are not reviews. Reviews are, for a lack of better word, easy for me. The discussions are the part I enjoy making the most, and that's the part I have the least time for.

And more than anything I barely read. from three books a week, every week, I moved to one book on a good week. Instead, I cruise aimlessly on YouTube videos and watch shows and generally occupy my time with things that take less brain power than reading. Two years ago, even last year, this would've have filled me with guilt. I would've felt like a total failure, and would beat myself up over not reading.

This year, not so much. I think it has something to do with opening a blog that is about every form of story-telling which allows me this freedom, because I know I can still create a constant flow of content even in the drier reading months, but more than anything - I don't think it's bad that I've slowed down.

It's okay to enjoy watching shows more than reading sometimes.

It's okay to feel like you're not "up to" reading.

It's okay to take some time off, it's even okay to take this slower pace and keep it. 

Because you know what? As long as you're having fun with whatever it is your doing - watching a show, reading a manga, cruising tumblr, listening to maddeningly addictive musical numbers, what ever it may be, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAVING FUN, IT'S OKAY. It's not wrong.

So I've decided to free myself from this senseless sense of "failure" and let myself be. I am not going to focus on numbers and goals anymore.

I AM GOING TO FOCUS ON ENJOYING MYSELF. 

#StoryTime: Transformation to DNFer

This is a story of a young girl, and how she came to acquire and embrace the title of "DNFer".

Once upon a time, in a little country, there was an even little-er girl. The name of the girl is insignificant, for she was just a girl and at the same time many girls, and they all had different names and all lived in different places, but they were one and the same nonetheless.

The girl was considered somewhat of a bookworm among her peers, and she was immensely proud of her title. She considered herself a champion of stories and worlds. She was determined that no story, nor series will ever best her.

She will reign supreme against all that she read, no matter how long the battle, how tenacious the fighters, how tedious her opponents, or how boring the war was.

She. Will. Succeed.

And she did, for many years, not knowing that the world--and all it had to offer--was much wider than her little country and its meager selection. That beyond the horizon waited many places for her to open the covers.

She was sixteen, going on seventeen, when her eyes opened. The Imperious Court of Goodreads made itself known to her, and offered its services. Suddenly, the gates have opened, and traffic and travel between the countries were allowed.

On one of those travels, she stumbled upon the lands of Kindle and The Book Depository, where books and stories poured like rain, and she tried to take them all, until she could not fit them in any longer. Until she had to build new shelves and shackle herself with the curse of the horrifying Book Buying Ban.

She discovered many new worlds. She fought many new wars.

And some of them were... hard. Harder than anything she's ever experienced before. Harder still for different worlds were calling her name, urging her to come to them. Soon, she'd chant in her head. Hoping she will reach the end of the war already and be free to pursue other places.

Until one day... she couldn't ignore the call. She couldn't ignore the urging voice. She only paused the fight, she told herself. She would take a break, refuel herself, take over some other worlds, rejuvenate herself, and come back to finish this one. It wasn't going anywhere.

And it didn't go anywhere. Anywhere at all. The fight ended without a conclusion, and while she was wrecked with guilt over that unfinished battle, she did not regret the worlds she discovered in it's stead. She was quite... relieved, actually, to be rid of that burden.

And indeed, who wants to control a land that bores them? That angers them? That frustrates them? It was much better to be queen over worlds she liked, over people she respected and was awed by.

But she did not realize it then. She was still forging through unwanted battles, through landscapes she'd rather not see. Until a rather tough stretch of road began, with her conquering places she never wanted to set foot in again.

She was exhausting resources and man power for countries that meant nothing to her. And for what? She was sure someone else would love to be the Queen of Shadowhunters, it just wasn't her. And someone else could have the man-tiger, she just wasn't that into him. And those weird pixies would probably be better appreciated by another girl.

And there were so many worlds out there, so much to see and so many people to meet, that she realized there was no meaning in fighting for things she didn't really want. And really, why force on those worlds her reign, anyways?

The burden was lifted off her shoulders. An easy smile stretched on her face. And from that moment on, she would occasionally retreat and surrender, she would admit defeat. And she wasn't a lesser person, a leaser leader, for it.

She discovered many wonderful worlds. She left behind many that weren't the right fit for her. She accepted the mental of a DNFer, knowing it wasn't for everyone, and vowed to use it wisely for lost causes only.

And she was a happier bookworm for it.

THE END

DID YOU LIKE THIS QUIRKY LITTLE WAY OF TELLING A BOOKISH STORY? LET ME KNOW IF YOU'D LIKE FOR ME TO DO MORE LIKE THIS :)

Why U No Give Out Five Stars?

If you've been following this month long recollection of my favorite reads of 2015, you might have noticed something a bit... odd. That is; there are barely any five stars among the group. And if you read the reviews, you might be a bit baffled as to why they aren't five stars.

I didn't even notice this myself, until they were all put one next to the other. But, yes, I am extremely stingy about handing out five stars. It's quite shocking considering how I was the complete opposite in 2012, when I opened my first blog.

I was... overly generous back then.

Back the the point; books like Vicious, Of Beast and Beauty, Shadow and Bone etc that I absolutely loved and adored and had nothing bad to say about (which is reflected in the reviews) got 4.5 stars instead of outright 5.

Right. No where in the review do I mention why they were reduced that half star. What makes them different than Written in Red or Love Shaped Hack? 

So, here's the deal. I keep the remaining half star reserved for books that not only blew me away like all these 4.5s did, but books that I am certain, without a doubt, that I would re-read over and over and over again. Which is how it came to be that there are only two 5 stars in my 2015 archive.

Written in Red & Heart Shaped Hack are both books that I know I would re-read. The first one I already did, the second I've been battling the urge since I read it, especially in times of depression.

So you see? 4.5 stars is actually the highest rating I can give a book - but 5 is that extra something.